Smile! No one cares how you feel
by Torapadora
Summary: After being killed, Light wakes up again 17 years old. Things play out differently and he makes an unexpected friend. But is Kira really needed? The death note didn't drop at his school and Light has to make without his death note while a new kira reigns in his place. Is this kira perhaps willing to share for his own gain? triggers: suicide, negative thoughts. L x Light
1. Chapter 1

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Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Death Note

Relationship:

L/Yagami Light

Characters:

NearMelloMattlike all of em

Additional Tags:

trigger warning: suicideNegative ThoughtsMurderDeniallying to selfliterally just Light being Lightmean girls refferencesA lot of them - FreeformI AM SORRY

Language:

English

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Published:

2015-03-05

Updated:

2015-03-25

Words:

11134

Chapters:

2/?

Comments:

11

Kudos:

10

Bookmarks:

3

Hits:

199

Smile! No one cares how you feel

Torapadora

Summary:

You know after seeing gods of death, killing note books and making nations fall before my feet, that I wouldn't be suprised by anything. And to be honest I thought so too. Me the great kira, the god of the new world was defeated and killed. This, however was not the thing I'm talking about, even though that IS absurd. The only thing more suprising to me right now was time reverse. Yes I, Light Yagami, awoke in my bed 2003 as 17.

Notes:

English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes. Also sorry for every mistake and if the story seems rushed.

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Chapter 1: The return of kira

Chapter Text

You know after seeing gods of death, killing note books and making nations fall before my feet, that I wouldn't be suprised by anything. And to be honest I thought so too. Me the great kira, the god of the new world was defeated and killed. This, however was not the thing I'm talking about, even though that IS absurd. The only thing more suprising to me right now was time reverse. Yes I, Light Yagami, awoke in my bed 2003 as 17.

My first instinct was to yell at Ryuuk, obviously that fucking shinigami held back some very important information again. But no Ryuuk was in sight. God fucking damn it of course I had to wake up before I picked up the death note. Just my luck. I groan and roll over. I almost forgot how warm and comfortable blankets were, kinda strange that these small things somehow disappeared once I picked up the death note. I snuggle futher into the blanket, feeling the fabric across my body, the clean smell making me feel like everything in the world was wonderful. My eyes closed and I could feel myself going into the best slumber I've had for what feels like an eternity.

But as everything good it had to end. My alarm clock went off- I'm 17 which means that I have school. After spending the last few year - or future years perhaps - as a working adult and God, going to school was not a very pleasing idea. I already knew everything so it was basically useless for me to go. But I had an image to uphold, just fake smile and suffer through. I've done that all my life.

I step out of bed, the warmth of the bed leaves and the cold hits my skin making me want to go back instantly. I quickly got dressed and went down stairs. I saw my mom in the kitchen making breakfast for me and Sayu. The scene should't have made me cry, but it did. Seeing her after dad died and Sayu being traumatised, she didn't smile. Seeing my mom happy again, her smile not caring about anything else but simple things.

''Oh Light what's wrong honey?'' She asks worried,

''Nothing mom, everything is fine'' I lie, smiling and sat myself down on a chair. I started eating only to feel like I was going to throw up.

I excused myself from the table and quickly went out the door. The bad feeling in my stomach hadn't stopped and my troath was filled with a burning sensation, I took deep breaths trying to get the feeling to go away.

As I walked in the street the happiness I felt quickly disappeared. This world was rotten. I had not yet obtained the death note, I was not god, there's little to no justice. Soon I remind myself, soon I will have it and then I will change everything.

At school everything was bland and boring. Bland and boring. Days went by. No signs of the death note. Boring and bland. For every day that passed I felt the numb feeling that I felt before the death note saved me. I felt like everything was meaningless. One day it happened, on tv the man held the children and women hostage, and nothing happened.

I slowly went back into my roll of a perfect son and student. Everything in my life was pointless. I would never meet L, no one who could entertain me. I realised that without the death note I was no longer god, I had fallen from grace.

Some things however did get better without the death note. My family. They were all happy, living their normal lives without having to worry about kira.

but -

I missed Ryuk. He was my best friend as strange as it sounds. I missed his laugh, the way he'd tease me, the way he complained about everything, his bad jokes and those times we played video games together. I missed it all. I missed killing. My hand twitches and every cell of my being craves it. I feel like without the death note - my life is useless.

So I decided to end my life.

How was I going to end it? My dad has sleeping pills for when work gets really hard on him, overdosing would be easy. When everyone was asleep I sneaked into the bathroom, the pill where there. I opened the package only to find it empty. I went down into the kitchen and grabbed a small knife, a kinfe that mom usually used for cutting strawberries or mushrooms with. I go back into my room.

As I rested the tip of the knife on my wrist I could feel his presence behind me - laughing 'Come on Light, why don't we just play some mario cart come on I could totally beat you this time'. I could not bear it. Tear filled my eyes, my hands were shaking but I know I had to be done.

I quickly cut both of my wrists. I still heard his voice which comforted me. Who would have ever thought that the only thing that kept me alive was killing and death - and that somehow a god of death would brighten up my life that when he was gone - something like this happened. My vision becomes blurry, I was lightheaded and it was a wonderful feeling - but eventually everything went black.

I am a lucky guy, somehow things always go my way. If I wanted something I got it, if i wanted something to happen - it did. But that luck had been very helpful for me, except for now. I woke up in a hospital. There was no one present, so I laid there looking up at the cieling. In my head I could hear his voice mocking me 'You're in trouble now aren't you Light?'.

A nurse eventually walked in, she didn't do much except ask me how I felt, I charmed her and told her I was fine and thanked her for everything. I heard her some hours later telling other nurses when they walked by my room about what a sweet boy I am. I smiled, making people happy has always been my life goal. When I was Kira people like that nurse was safe and happy, now how much could I really do for people like her? Nothing.

You know fun things to do at hospitals? Me neither. There's none. Literally none. The only thing to do was to dread meeting my dad. The nurse told me that visiting hours started at seven, and there was not a lot time left. It's funny how the last time I was at a hospital it was the time he died. I wonder how he would react, seeing me like this.

This was probably the last thing he expected. He saw me as his happy golden boy. I don't want him to feel like he failed being a father, he was the best father ever. He just couldn't help the world I was born in, he couldn't help my intelligence that made it almost impossible to entertain me. I love him and I don't want him to go through this.

So when he stepped through the door I couldn't help breaking down crying. He sat down on a chair beside my bed, and I quickly wiped away any tears that came through my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at him so I looked down on the sheets. I could hear his breathing besides me. Oh god I felt like a horrible son. I don't want this. I don't want this. I want to disappear. Oh god why didn't I die? A shacky breath left my lips.

I could hear him moving towards me, he hugged me hard. ''It's okay son, I love you so much you know'' He said. I could hear that he was close to crying by his shacking voice. I couldn't help my self and I cried hard into his shoulder.

''Oh god, dad I'm sorry I'm so sorry'' I repeated again and again.

We hugged for what felt like an eternity, my tears eventually stopped and our hug did too. There was a long paus, neither knew what to say. He did break the silence.

''Son, I only have one question. Why?'' He asked.

Oh. This was the question that I didn't want to answer. I took a deep shacky breath. I don't want to answer it, I really don't but - ''I...I was bored.'' I sobbed again, ''I know it's stupid but I just couldn't go on living like that - this I just oh god'' I cried again. Oh god how on earth could you cry so much?

He took my hand in his, ''It's okay son. I understand. We will make it through this together. I swear. But I want you to trust me okay? Tell me what you're feeling and thinking and we can do this''

''Okay dad, I will try'' I said wiping my tears of with a smile.

How humiliating...

Two year has passed since then. Me and my dad are closer than ever, but I still felt empty. I felt wanted - but at the same time the thoughts of did he actually want me or the Light Yagami he thought he had?

I was studing law, second year. These classes didn't really mean much to me seeing as I've experienced it before. I was doing this more because it was necessary for me to get the degree to be able to join the NPA.

My life however was as boring as always. No signs of the death note what so ever - Misa didn't even have one. I know because I checked. It was a dreadful experience that made me cringe everytime I thougth about it. I was so stupid, it was so embarrassing to think about. All those people watching while she talked loudly and clinged to me as I had to pretend to like her on the date.

No signs of L either. It would be impossible for me to contact him, I could hack him and end up in jail for the rest of my life but I don't think that would benefit me that much. Or maybe it would, I've never been in a prison for all I know I could manage to be the leader of an inmate gang and we'd overthrow the govnerment or something.

I went home, I was tired from spending several doing absolutley nothing in school. If you replaced school with anything that happened in my life it would still be accurate. As sad as that did sound it was true. I was tired from spenfing several hours absolutley nothing but narrating my life in a sarcastic tone.

Ha.

I should just stop thinking.

At home Sayu and mom greeted me,

''where's dad?'' I ask, Sayu looks at me with big excited eyes.

''He got called to an important meeting, he didn't say what it was about but if you ask me I bet it's a meeting about -''

''Sayu! You don't know anything'' Mom interupted her with. Sayu pouted,

''Killjoy...'' she said.

I was confused, I wanted to know what they talked about and somewhere deep inside of me a voice awakened and said to me that they were talking about Kira. But I didn't have the Death note. ''What are you talking about?'' I ask.

''You don't know?'' She asks,

I raise an eyebrow ''obviously no''.

She jumped from the couch where she sat and screamed ''Oh god Light! How could you even miss it?! It's Kira!''

My heart stopped. Kira? How could this be true? I didn't have the death note, they could be referensing another another murder who got the same name as me - this made me upset,

''Kira?'' I ask.

''Duh, you know Kira the guy who kills all the criminals and such!'' she said, feeling oh so very proud over the fact that she knew something I didn't.

''Oh yeah'' I say awkwardly.

I had somehow gotten attached to the name Kira. To think that someone used my identity made me feel cheated. Like someone stole a piece of me. I went upstairs in my room, trying not to run or seem strange.

I instantly turned on my computer and searched information about Kira. It said that Kiras first victim was Raku Hitoshi, a rapist and murdered. He had killed and raped 3 women. He died of a heart attack in jail. Kira executed several more criminals, following my pattern exactly. No one who's killings were justified by situation, which shows that this new Kira has the same ideals as me.

So far the most criminals who were killed was japanese, which indicated that the killer was japanese. Mikami was the first person that came to mind, but seeing how his loyalty is as strong as steel I'm certain that he would have contacted me. Which leads me back to zero.

I only have one object in mind - find the death note and reclaim my title as Kira.

I was exhausted, I spent the last two weeks doing everything in my power to find Kira. I hacked into the police database and found nothing - which was expected from the NPA, they didn't have the resorces or intelligence as L, and if I knew L right we wouldn't share what he knew with the police. Selfish bastard. Probably already knew who Kira was, with his resorces and all.

This new Kira was more careful then I was back in the days, I noticed. They never had a set time where they killed but they criminals were killed regularly every half an hour.

This could mean two things, Kira doesn't go to school nor work or kira decided the times of death. I Guess on the latter. Or I hope, if the person who took my identity and death note was some nerd sitting inside all day having no life what so ever - was not worthy of ever taking my title.

''Light honey?'' Mom shouted from the kitchen.

''Yes mom?'' I shout back.

''There's something in the mail for you'' She said.

''Oh Okay'' I said and got up from my computer desk.

I got dizzy and took a hold of the desk my balance and my vision was blurry from the lack of sleep. I rubbed my eyes and groaned. These weeks I hadn't slept nor eaten at all, my body was very weak. I wondered if this is what L feels all the time. If it was holy shit, he must be sick.

I went down took the package from my mom, kissed her cheek and thanked her. Sayu called me a suck up and as I didn't have the energy to fight I ignored her. It's not like I'd lose to her. If I could out sass L I could out sass everyone.

The package was most likely the books I had ordered, psychology books focusing on the psyche of serial killers. Self research you could say. Not that my murders were unjustified in any way, I was justice after all. Still interesting to read up on. No self doubt in me though.

I went up to my room opened the package, the first book was called 'Understanding the motives and justifications' by Mary Sheild. It focused on the deceptions serial killer told themselves to justify their actions. I looked at the cover with satisfaction, ah yes this will distract me from my horrible situation of not finding Kira.

The second one was called 'The developing psyche' by Micheal Hellea. It was about sociopathic minds while growing up and how to spot the signs that someone is a sociopath. I know that I wasn't a sociopath, at least I think I'm not. I'm not ruthless nor lack a conscience, but I do believe I may have some traits found in sociopaths. But everyone had some trait of something bad, it was only natural after all.

These were the books I ordered but the box was not empty. I raised my eyebrow and look inside the book and my heart stopped. I looked in disbelief and took out the small book from the box.

If anyone else was here to witness this they would say this was the moment everything went to hell. I felt the familiar texture across my hand. The fabric lit the fire that had been since long forgotten.

I quickly grapped a pen and opened the notebook. The pen rested just above the first page. No names had been writen in the notebook yet. Which obviously means that the new kira had another notebook. Who and why came into my mind. If they know who I am why not kill me? What could they gain from keeping me alive? Or perhaps... Perhaps fate wanted me to carry out my mission. As embarrassing as that is my eyes lighted up at that thought.

A little piece of papper slipped out, I took it and read it. On the piece of papper it was written 'After 5 hours of reciving this package I will call you for further information and our collaboration'. So this was sent by new Kira. But... Why did they send it to me? If they themselves doesn't have the memories? The light from my eyes disappeared for a moment at the disappointment that it wasn't fate. But it quickly came back in a scarlet flash.

I could feel my hands shacking, not from confusing of who it could be but from wanting to write in the notebooks. I quickly hacked into the police records and started writing, a small giggle came from my mouth. Kira is back.

4 hours and about 55 minutes since the package had arrived, I spent most of the time writing in the death note. This satisfied me more than anything, years of keeping the need away from the surface finally came out and could be put at ease. But now I waited anxiously for the call, the curiosity was killing me.

I couldn't help to think about what would happen afterwards - I grinned, I have a death note now and I'm unstoppable. I'm alive. I can help people. I am Kira. I am God.

The only thing standing in my way was L. I know I could just write L's name in right now. But it would be a lot more boring and I would cheat. I need to find out his name here before I write it. It's unfair otherwise. I am not a cheater. What God would I be if I would lower myself to that level?

Finally my phone started vibrating ''Hello'' I say, sounding confindent as ever. Who ever this was I could beat them.

''Hello Light Yagami'' The voice said, a voice I would never forget even if i tried too. I was speechless and almost dropped the phone out of shock. Never in my life would I have thought to consider that Kira would be him. It was simply so ironic, and confusing but amusing nonetheless.

''Suprised?'' he asked amusment hidden somewhere in his monotone voice. ''Don't worry I'm not your enemy this time, as you should know.''

''Oh? I'm suprised.'' my smirk grew bigger and bigger by the second, Oh life just got so interesting. ''You never seemed like the Kira type.''

''Don't get me wrong, I'm not on anyones side really. However your side just seem so much more interesting to me. After all what's thrill of playing the same game twice?'' He said, our amusment matched each others. ''I just get bored, don't you agree Light? That was your motivation was it not?''

Cheeky brat. ''So what's your plan anyway? You know I could just kill your right now.''

''But you won't. For the same reason I didn't kill you, but we have to come to an understanding now. Seeing as this timeline is diffrent I seem to be older. I will graduate soon in a month. And then I'll come to Japan. We will discuss the matters there seeing as it will be more safe, but until then you keep doing what you do. I will keep out from the killing for now. So do we have an agreement?''

''I can't wait. See you soon, Near.''

In the center of tokyo, the lights seen from above could only be described as beautiful, in a dark fancy hotelroom only lit by the light of a laptop sat a dark figure hunched over, biting his thumb.

The only sounds that could be heard from his hotel room was the sound of his own breathing and the cars down on the street. The man had a made a discovery that conflicted his feelings greatly. This disovery would futher his investigation but would also make the NPA distrust him if he would act upon it.

Kira's recent kills were mostly criminals who's identities had not been showed to the public, which meant that Kira had inside information. None of the officers had risen his suspicion, so he doubted that one of them actually was Kira. He had no choice but to spy on them he concluded.

''Watari'' He said, calling to a second man who entered the room, ''Contact the FBI for me please. I have reasons to believe that we have a leak.''

''Of course.'' The elderly man said, but he did not leave the room to contact the FBI. ''You know, your succesors are graduating soon.''

''Yeah, so what?'' The man infront of the laptop asked,

The man called watari looked at him disapprovingly ''It would be a very good opportunity for them to work on a case, to gain experience. And it wouldn't hurt for you to get some help either'' And it would help you to decide who will win, went unsaid.

The man looked at Watari, ''I suppose you're right.''

I was on my way home from school and I saw him, Ray Penbur. He was walking behind me, I saw him when I noticed a sound and quickly turned around. I acted as if I saw nothing and kept on walking. Inside I was really excited.

I wonder how I should kill him (and the rest of the FBI agents)? It had been 8 weeks since he stalked me and time for me to kill them. I guess I could make them kill themselves by disgusting suicides like stabbing yourself to death with a pen. Hah. Yes that sounds good. They all got their special little gory deaths, I made Rays especially gory just to spite Naomi.

I'll let her live this time. It would be exciting to see her work with L. And gaining her trust only to see her face when I reveal that I was the one who killed her fianceé. The thought made my stomach flutter. I did gain some sadistic pleasure from revealing to people that I screwed them over without them knowing.

''Hello Light Yagami'' The white haired teen said through the phone.

''Hello Nate'' I say, with a friendly tone. It was genuine, which suprised me a lot. Nate didn't really keep his promise not to kill. He didn't murder a lot though, but what he did was leaving jokes and incredibly bad puns. L wouldn't notice, because a man dying because he ate too many apples and chocked would not make much sense to him. I grew found of Nate he was interesting.

''I'm in japan, I would actually like to meet you. And just because I love you so much, I've already called a cap. It will arrive a street before yours in about...3 minutes. I would hurry up If I was you'' He said and hung up.

What a fucking bitch.

I quickly told my mom I'd go meet up with a friend and hurried down to the cab. We drove right into the heart of tokyo, were all the rich snobbs and business men lived. He dropped me off infront of a tall hotel, those only rich bastard could afford. Typical. The cabdriver gave me a note, which said 16th floor room 547.

I went up the elevator with a middle aged western woman who made awkward attempt to flirt. I was polite to her, but I was very disgusted. I have had many girlfriends in my life believe me, but I did nothing except small kisses. The thought of sex with women disgusted me. Misa tried to sleep with me resulting me having to run to the bathroom to throw up. I told her some 'I don't want sex before marrige' bullshit.

I finally reach my destination and excuse myself. I find the room and knock. No answer. Seriously. What the actual fuck. I knock again. If he dragged me here and doesn't even open I will fucking cu-

The door opened. Not by Nate. But by L. Oh that fucking brat I will fucking kill him. How the hell can I possibly explain this?

He looked at me, like he expected someone else – probably Watari or else he wouldn't have answered I suppose. ''Can I help you?'' Oh god he looked just like I remembered him, like he was hung over, hadn't sleept for weeks and that hairbrushes wasn't a thing. The sight made my heart skip a beat. I didn't realise just how much I missed the man. The horrible childish man who also was wonderful and my friend. Not now though I though.

L looked at me like he was expecting something and I realised I had spaced out.

''Oh, I'm so sorry, I must have gotten to the wrong hotel, can't really trust cab drivers these days you know'' I say with a charming smile but a small blush was rested on my cheeks. How humiliating.

He stares at me with those analysing eyes of his, ''I suppose so'' I give him another polite smile, of course he didn't know. He has probably never had another person drive the car he was in other than Watari. How stupid of me. But it seemed natual, I reminded myself. ''I guess this is good bye then...?''

Oh god he was asking for my name. I could lie but he would eventually learn my real name through my dad. And if I lied here it would seem suspicious. Oh god damn it. ''Light Yagami''

His eyes widen in suprise. ''On second thought why don't you come in for a while? It would be rude for me to not too''

''Um no I don't think that's very appropriate I don't even know your na-'' I try to protest.

''Oh no I insist – I'm Rue Ryuzaki'' He said, name in the wrong order I observed. He dragging me into his room. He closed the door. He guided me to a table, and we took the seats opposite of each other.

I have never wanted to kill Nate more ever than now. Even when we were enemies.

''So Light – May I call you Light? How's your life going'' He asks, observing me as if I was a cake that he had to cut into pieces.

''Ah yes you may. Life's fine. Finishing my second year of university – law'' I answer, and give another awkward polite smile.

It was kinda strange seeing him alive, the last time we meet he was dying in my arms. Now we were chatting in his hotel room. Lifes strange. No scratch that Nate's an asshole. L stood up from the chair and went to the fridge and took out a piece of cake.

''Want some?'' He asks. I shake my head.

He sat down again, ''law huh? You must have a strong sense of justice then?'' He looks very casual but the look in his eyes told me that this was everything but casual.

God damn it, I was not ready for this. This was a golden moment for L, one of the people the FBI stalked right before their deaths. A Kira suspect, right at his table.

''Don't we all?'' I reply,

He takes a piece of cake and eats it and lets the fork rest in his mouth for a while. ''That didn't answer my question.''

''Actually yes I did. If you read between the lines that was a yes, I do have a strong sense of justice'' I say in a passive agressiv tone, but I still smiled. Oh god How I missed our small arguments. This was so pathetic, I was getting so emotional on the inside.

''Hmm interesting.'' He mumbles and continues eating his cake. He looks at me up and down analysing. If this was anyone but L I'd think they're checking me out, but since this is L I know he's not. I'm pretty sure he's straight if anything, he did say that thing to Misa. Not that I felt jealous or anything. He can like anyone he want. Defianltly.

''So..'' I say trying to break the awkward scilence and my horrible train of thought. ''Do you live alone?''

He doesn't respond and I give him a questioning look, he breaks out from some trance and looks confused for a moment.

''Um yeah, yes I'm single'' He said, in a slightly weird tone. That was totally not what I was asking but okay. ''What about you, do you have a girlfriend?''

''Ah no not really.'' I say.

''Boyfriend then?'' he asks jokingly.

''Not yet.'' I say, he looked shocked for a moment. HAh got you bitch, bet you didn't expect that! Not that I was gay.

''Oh...You didn't look like the type'' He said, looking down at his plate only to find it empty.

''Type to be gay?'' I say sceptically, even though I'm not gay I'm smart enough to know gay doesn't carry characteristics.

''To be single'' He replied.

''Oh...Yes I am quite too handsome for it'' I say jokingly.

He looked at me like I was some self obsessed jerk. Which I was not thank you very much. But seeing as L has the social skills of a rake he probably didn't realise I was joking.

''It was a joke'' I explained.

''Oh...'' He said.

''Ryuuzaki this has been a lot of fun but I still have to meet my friend so if you don't mind...?'' I say, I didn't really want to leave but I also did.

''Of course not'' he replied.

we said our good byes and I quickly reached for my phone. I looked through the call history and found Nears number. I click on the call button. I missed L already. Ugh. Why is emotions a thing they were only annoying. I didn't even miss him before but nope when I see him I am hit with a truck of feelings.

''Ah, yes Light, hello.'' Near answers with that smug voice of his.

''Nate what the fuck'' I ask him,

''Well, I'm sorry Light but you do have a very bad habit of underestimating me. This was to show you that we are indeed on the same level, I want you to know that I know where every piece of the puzzle is resting. Did I make my point clear?'' He explains.

''You sure did. But our meeting is not off yet, is it?'' I ask.

I could feel his smirk through the phone. Oh he thought this was so funny. ''No just go to the hotel opposite of the road.''

He opened the door and let me inside. The room was clean and really really fancy. In the middle of the main room was a towm built only by white legos. I don't know how he managed to get so many legos in here and not look like an idiot. The thought made me snort.

He took a seat on a couch by the side of a wall, and I sat down beside him.

''Hello Light Yagami'' He said.

''Hello Nate Rivers'' I say, he twirls his hair with his finger.

''So here's the plan''

University was a waste of my time as usual but today was going to be special, our class would get a visit from someone who graduated and works with law. And since luck is always with me, that person would be Mikami Teru.

I would charm him, me and Nate planned on this. But that he'd walk right into my palm was unexpected. Somehow i just loved how things went my way, unlike the last time with Misa messing just about almost everything. Me and Nate thought the same, it was like a second me.

So I woke up early, and put on my favorite white pants and a light pink thight fitting longsleeved v-shirt. Then I went into the bathroom, washed my face then I went through Sayu's make up bag put on a thin line of eyeliner winged style and a layer of brown mascara. It made my eyes pop in just the right way.

I finally went down stairs and into the kitchen. Mom had already made my breakfast. I give her a smile and say thanks.

I sat down and watched the tv from the table. Sayu was watching some show with that Hideki ryuga in it.

''Light I never noticed but you wear pink a lot.'' Sayu said out of the blue, not breaking her gaze from the tv.

''Well Sayu on wednesdays we wear pink'' I say jokingly, but I was serious. I wear pink every wednesday.

''Uh why?'' She said confused and gave me a look of cluelessness.

I gasp. ''Oh my god Sayu, how can you not have seen mean girls? Regina George is like my spirit animal. I am literally so offended now.'' I said giving her a teasing smile.

''Okay, bro'' She replies sticking out her tongue at me. ''Whatever you say, quiet now my future husband is on the screen'' She said looking at the tv with and intense stare.

Mikami held a lecture before lunch, I couldn't approach him there, but seeing as he also held one after lunch I decided to have a pleasant luch with him. It wouldn't seems strange as I always ate lunch alone, I have done it as long as I could remember. Perhaps while eating and the silence of being alone gave me peace and time for me to be myself and not a reflection of what everyone wants to see. Hah. Oh god that sounded so cheesy. How disgusting.

Mikami sat in a corner of the cafeteria, I walke up to him with a confident smile and swaying hips, ''Would you mind if I sat here?''

His gaze stayed on my hips and torso, ''Of course not''.

I took out a lip moisturizer and used it all over my lips, now his attention was also on my perfect face. I saw in his eyes that I had his lust. But to gain his love he needs to fall in love with Light Yagami's personallity.

''You were wonderful up there, Mr. Mikami'' I say with a sweet smile, ''Your passion for justice is admirable. I could relate so much, it's almost like it's fate that we met'' I could feel myself laughing on the inside. This was literally so generic and bland for me now that it was humorous.

''Why Thank you...?'' He says, his eyes full of pride and cheeks filled with the slightest pink. Oh my god this man was easier charmed than Misa.

''Light, call me Light'' I say with a flirty tone and bit my lip in that way people do when they try to be sexy. It seemed to work. Though I felt awfully ridiculous.

''Okay then...Light'' Mikami's voice got darker and his stare intenser. He was so turned on it was not funny. It kinda disgusted me in a way but not as much as it amused me.

We talked about a lot of things and in the end we had planned to meet again on a date, Mikami was an admirable man with priorities set straight, to have some sort of relationship with him would not only benefit Kira's cause but my love life would be secured. A man with a stable job and income, polite, handsome was perfect. The only thing dad could complain about was the age difference. Perfect disguise and cover.

I called Nate, ''Mikami is taken care of''.

L sat and looked over Light Yagami's file once more. Spotless, the boy was the smartest in Japan and the only thing out of the ordinary was a hospital visitation, he had to ask Mr. Yagami what that was about seeing as the file didn't say anything about what the visit was about.

L had met the boy and the boy acted as natural and normal as anyone else. But there was something him that was so fake. Everything he said was either to avoid attention from himself and avoid questions but still say everything that L wanted to hear. The boy was a mirror, L mused, analysing people and reflecting them.

L knew that if he couldn't get past Light Yagami's mask, he would never know if he was kira or not, because if he wanted the boy to be kira there was the possibility that Light would reflect those signs he was looking for. L thought of why the boy had begun to do this, he must have done it for the long time because he was damn good at it. That also begs the question why he started doing it?

But L didn't have time to think about that boy anymore he had more pressing issues to take care of. Which was the fact that his succesor was coming any moment now. L could lie and say he wasn't nervous but oh god he was. This would be the first time he'd let someone work close to him, not just taking orders. He had met them and of course he got along with them but that was on a whole diffrent level, the power structure would change and L wouldn't like – he disliked it. He liked being in control after all. It was important to keep things in order.

''L, your succesors have just arrived to japan'' Watari announced. L sighed.

There was some days when I just looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I am flawless, but my eyes is what I hate. They look so empty. That's what I am, empty. Am I really just someone at all? It was as if I was acting out a play but was starring as diffrent people. Light Yagami the perfect student. Light yagami the perfect son. Light Yagami as the perfect boyfriend. Light Yagami as kira. I wonder if I had worn a masks way to long and I am now unreachable.

Kira was bored. Light Yagami was bored again. It made me so fustrated. What the hell could I do to ever be satisfied? I should think like this – I really shouldn't. But if I died justice would still be served. Nate is out there and so is L. If I died nothing would be lost.

I got the realisation that Kira was never about justice it was about me forming some meaning. I couldn't take it. I wouldn't – I can't. I don't know if I'm Light Yagami playing Kira or Kira playing Light Yagami. Who even was Light Yagami? He didn't exist.

I couldn't sleep for the haunting nightmares, I couldn't go about my normal life because everything was so dreafully boring. Everything was playing on repeat. I couldn't take it anymore. These feelings, I thought they'd disappear once I got the death note.

And these thoughts led me the the scene where we are now. I, Light yagami, had the note book open, furiously writing names not stopping one second. Die. I wanted them to die. I wanted my feelings to die. I want L to die. I want Mello to die. I want Kira to die. I want Light yagami to die.

Angry tears formed in my eyes as I sat there and self pitied – how pathetic am I? I throw the pen in the wall in fustration. I bury my fist into my hair. God fucking damn it. Why do I even exsits? I am such a fucking failure – what boy wore pink, make up and fucking killed people? Not a perfect one that is! Not the son of Shoichiro Yagami, he would never do that, he believed that every person had the right to live! Have I really lost myself that far that I – that I – I slipped up.

I don't want this. I don't want myself. Fuck this. Fuck me.

I take a final look in the mirror the morning after. Nothing about me has changed. My feminine eyes and face stared back at me as I smile bitterly ''Pathetic.''

L sat in the room with Mello and Matt. Mello was dutifully reading through all of the information about Kira while Matt kept playing on his DS. L could feel his irritation growing, from the clicking noise from Matt's Ds to Mello's page turning and most of all the lack of Near presence. The kid had gone off – saying he had no intentions of being L. In the last moment. This kid had gone around acting like he intended to become L and drop off with no warning - brat.

L sighed and took another bite into his strawberry short cake, he disliked that he was sulking but – god damn it! He was used to privacy and respect, he was L he shouldn't have to deal with this. Not to mention that Kira went on a killing spree. It aggrivated L, Kira seemed like a diffrent person. First kira was a conculated killer with not one wrong step – but now for him to do something so out of character? It left L wondering what he really was dealing with.

And now more and more members of the NPA was leaving the kira case. L just had to wait until the most loyal were left. He could make a small task force – with Mello and Matt being there why not have some more, L thought sulkingly. That Naomi Misora had been bugging the police to talk to him, inviting her could work great. This was actually true and not just him thinking in angry self pity.

But L has no time to waste. He had to act now. ''Watari I need to contact the police. We need to seek out the loyal ones and create a small task force''


	2. Chapter 2

Watching Nate scilently build a city with all his legos was strangley comforting. He was humming on a song only some lyrics could be heard such as 'Brown hair gets in the way, a world hidden in a small box, the first secret they share' 'and try to but you won't find me', his voice was clear and beautiful. It was, not to sound corny but it did sound like an angel voice. To come think of it Nate looked like an angel, white and pure. His personality is what seperates him from an angel.

His personality was so simple it was complex. He was just doing what would serve him best in his own mind, but you could never really know what it was he was thinking or planing. His secret was that he seemed so open and told you everything you asked only for you to find out it was all lies. He was such a good liar and cheater. He was the type who made cheating seem fair. Perhaps that's why I like him.

But -

There's a question that has been haunting my mind. ''Nate?''

He looks at me with his big secretive eyes, ''yes?''

I take a sip from my tea, and then put the cup back on the table. ''There's a thing that has been on my mind. The only way for you to be here is if you used the death note. Who and why? You always seemed to against murder.''

He gives me one of his creepy smiles. ''Actually no, the only way for me to be here was if I was the owner of the death note when I died, and if I used it. And I have nothing against murder if it is for justice. I was against Kira because L was, and at the time my duty was to be L.''

''Thank you near for not answering my question at all, I do love it when you do that.'' I say sarcastically.

He looks away and twirls his hair with his finger. ''I used it for an execution.''

I didn't quite believe it. But knowing Nate pressing him would only make him say things that made the lie more belivable.

I sighed. ''There's no use in asking you to tell the truth, now is there.''

He didn't reply. He had this distant look in his eyes, like he was lost in thought.

''Nate, I need you to take over as kira for me.'' I say, breaking him from his train of thought.

''Oh. I see. May I ask why?'' he asks, starting to build on his city once again.

''I have a feeling that L might set up cameras in my house soon.'' I say, he nods.

Then we return to our usual ritual. Me drinking tea and reading. Him playing with toys. I feel like his baby sitter in some sense. Pft. I smile to myself. These quiet times with Nate are so calming to me. It's because I know I don't have to act anymore. He has seen me, he knows me and he accepts it. I've only felt this once before. It was with L, when I didn't have my memories. The thought made my smile bitter and my stomach to turn. Pathetic.

I sat by the table and read the newspaper. I checked the article about kira extra carefully. Nate left messages all over, it was only a matter of finding them. He seemed to only have killed criminals with their names starting with L, A or B. I don't really know why, that probably was some secret message to L or something.

''Sayu can you bring your father these change of clothes?'' Mom asks.

Sayu looks suprised, ''but mom I'm going out with friends today!''

''So? You can leave a little ealier and dropp these off?'' Mom reasons.

''Don't worry mom I will bring them'' I say. I know where this will lead me.

Mom looks at me with pride and glee ''Thank you Light! See Sayu you should be more like Light''

Sayu looks away from a moment but I could feel her being hurt, ''whatever'' She says.

Believe me mom, what ever you want Sayu to become it isn't me.

At the station I found Misora arguing with the receptionists. I walk up to them and smile.

''I'm Light Yagami, son of cheif Yagami? I'm here with spare clothes, he's not really here to take them so should I leave them here?'' I ask.

''Oh yeah sure-'' The receptionist was interupted by a man in large black trench coat, mask and hat. I knew who it was – Watari.

''There's no need for that. I will take the clothes with me, and you too Miss. Misora.'' he said.

I thank him and walk away from there, I had no need to be there and really I didn't really had to stop Misora this time.

I pick up my phone and make a call, ''Misora Naomi has been invited to join the task force.''

''Ah yes I did expect that to happen.'' He tells with a tone of childish amusment. ''Not that I expect you to understand why''

''I really hate it when you do this Nate.'' I say with a sigh.

I walked home from my date with Mikami, which I had exactly after school. The experience itself wasn't that bad. Mikami was really charming, nice and intelligent. If I was more of a person I'd feel bad for using him, thank god I'm not. He treated me like a princess which was absolutley wonderful - though I do prefer it when he treats me like God.

To my suprise the front door was locked. Guess no body's home then. I take off my shoes and walk up the stairs. I knew exactly what had happened when I thouched the door handle. The cameras were up. I could feel a smile appear on my lips.

I take one of the books I purchased out of the shelf and took a seat at my desk. I read the last part of the book which took me about 2 hours. Then I did my homework which added 2 more hours. Hah had fun looking at me doing nothing productive what so ever, L?

''Light! It's dinner time'' mom shouted from down stairs, to be honest I was quite suprised. I hadn't noticed that she and Sayu had gotten home yet.

I went down and found that Sayu's eyes were glued to the tv due to the presence of Hideki Ryuga. I roll my eyes and smile at her teasingly.

''You know if you watched the news that'd be great thanks'' I say,

''HAH you're way too funny Light! No chance of that ever happening.'' She said back,

Then the 'special announcement' came on. ''Wow 1500 agents! Oh god bet they're going to catch kira in no time.''

''Do you believe that yourself? It's obviously fake'' I say, I knew L wanted to hear this - me figuring it all out.

''Oh why don't mr. genius enlighten me then?'' Sayu says sarcastically.

''It's pointless to announce it publically, seeing if Kira knows about it he'll probably find them and kill them easily, so keeping it a secret would be more beneficial. So this is probably just to lure Kira out or something'' I say between eating.

Sayu gave me a teasing sour look, ''Oh wow Light you have like no life.''

''Shut up, also stay out of my room'' I grin inwards, here have this L. It would drive him insane thinking what he missed to cover up.

''What? I haven't been in your room'' Sayu defended herself, putting her hands up.

''Well if it's not you then I guess I have a stalker then or a ghost. Or perhaps I'm so lucky it's Hideki Ryuga'' I say sarcastically making a circling hand gesture.

''You'd like that now wouldn't you'' She said with a devilish smile.

''What do you mean by that?'' I say giving her an offended but amused look.

''Well Light sorry to tell you but you're almost too gay to function'' She said dramtically putting her hand on her forhead.

''Oh my god Sayu you quoted mean girl I have never loved you anymore in my whole entire life'' I tell her in an equally dramatic voice.

''Point proved'' she teased.

''Shut up, Mean girls is a masterpieces. Liking it doesn't make me gay, in fact it makes me a normal human being, also the only thing that makes me gay is the fact that I like boys'' Sayu gave me a 'OH I GOT YOU SO GOOD' look and I instantly regret what I said. ''That came out wrong''

''Sure it did bro, sure it did'' She said with a smug face.

''Shut up''

After dinner I didn't really feel like studing. Not that I ever did, but now the thought made me physically ill. What I really wanted to do was to bury myself under my cover and sleep, but with my sleeping problem it would be to no avail. So I ended up watching some shitty drama with Sayu and mom.

It was about some stolic rich guy who fell inlove with a poor girl but there was also this wild musician who liked her. It was so bad I cringed all the time. Though I had to admit the rich guy had rather nice cheekbones. None of them had any chemistry with the girl, in my personal opinion she should dump them both and go for a nice career. Or marry the rich guy for cash.

I then walked into my room and went to bed. I laid in my bed turning and trying to sleep until around 2 am, I still couldn't sleep. I sighed loudly. Well They probably knew I was awake so what use was there to pretend? I lit the lamp on my nightstand and took out the other book I bought. The one I hadn't read.

I got interupted by the sound of my alarm clock. I- amazing. I didn't get any sleep. ''Are you happy with yourself?'' I muttered to myself. I was too tired to care if they heard me. I was way too used to this happening anyways.

I dragged myself out of bed, my eyes were heavy and stung. I put on some clothes, and went into the bathroom and took Sayu's conceler to hide my dark circles. I turn on the water and wash my hand with cold water and then I slap myself on both sides of my face. This somehow made me more awake. And punishing me for being fucking stupid.

I went to school without food. I almost never ate breakfast. Or dinner. I mostly only ate when mom cooked. I just never felt hungry. The feeling had somehow numbed on me. If I ate it's mostly because my body needs it not to satisfy some feeling in my stomach. I couldn't eat in the mornings what so ever thought. I tried once and I threw up. Not doing that again.

When I came home I was suprised to see my mom furiously cooking dinner, not that she usually doesn't cook but now the kitchen was a storm. Mom was working like crazy,

''Mom what's the fuss all about?'' I ask her, she was too much into the cooking to even hear me.

Sayu turned away from the tv and gave me a huge grin ''dad's coming home for dinner''.

That hit me like a big yellow school bus. If I didn't have the self control as I had I probably would have started crying. I wasn't ready to meet my dad. Oh god. I could feel me betraying him with the kira act. I was right, but dad didn't want it. I was doubting myself and it was scaring me.

The past year, dad had taken me under his wing more than ever and I learned so much - dad gave me a look on how gray the world was. Which still only effected my killing pattern into something more careful while selecting kills.

But deep inside I heard a voice forcing the truth to come out 'You don't care about the lives you're taking but rather your fathers approval'. I was doubting myself for my dad. Not just Light Yagami's dad, not Kira's dad but my dad.

My fingers started shaking and I could feel my anxiety acting up. I was a mess from not getting any sleep, and with dad coming home I just couldn't hide it. I went up into my room and took a deep breath. Changed out from my button up shirt into a white v-neck.

I look out from the window and see my reflection. I know what I needed to do. I closed my eyes and smiled. I took slow steps and opened the window, looking up at the sky. The fresh night air calmed me down.

Of course I felt happy my dad was coming home. He had worked so hard, trying to catch Kira. Kira who was a murderer. I was just Light Yagami an earnest student. I can't let my mask slip. Kira was bad. Kira only existed in me when I was alone or with Near.

I chanted the sentence in my head repeatedly but it never stuck. I can't go back to lying to myself. Dad had changed that about me.

I closed my eyes and could feel myself drifring of to sleep. I instantly opened them and gave myself an awakening slap and went down stairs. Sayu looked at me and scoffed.

''Wow you changed shirt?'' She said,

''Why, yes I did, this is more comfortable'' I say, taking a seat at the table.

''Oh yeah I forgot your obsessed with your looks'' she said, implying that I was only wearing the other shirt for vanity. ''What else would I expect of a guy who has perfectly manicured nails''

Oh no she didn't. She looked at me grinning. ''First of all, I'm only taking care of my nails second of all your nails are dirty and you bite them. That's so disgusting''

''Light! Don't fight with your sister now that your dad's coming home, you should be mature enough not to do it'' Mom interupted.

Sayu pointed at me and grinned, ''HA see Light you shouldn't fight you're so immature''

''You did so not say that'' I say in disbelief and a blush of shame burning on my cheeks. ''I did nothing wrong''

Sayu was laughing so hard that it looked like she was dying. Then the door opened. Dad was home. A silent moment passed before Sayu jumped up and ran to the door.

''DAD'' She shouted, I could not see what she was doing but I would guess she hugged him.

Dad then entered the kitchen, I give him a smile ''Welcome home dad''.

At dinner I said almost nothing, I didn't really know what to say. 'hello dad, are you exhausted from trying to catch me? HAhah yeah me too, aren't I just a stinker?' hah no.

Dad then looked me right in the eyes, ''I want to tell you all something.'' He said. Mom and Sayu looked at him with worried looks.

''I usual don't talk about work at home, but this time I feel like it's necessary. I want you all to know why I'm not home - even more than usual. I'm working on the kira case'' He said, paying extra attention to me.

I make my eyes widen and fake suprise, I was going to say something but Sayu beat me to it ''Dad what if something happens to you!''

Mom agreed with her ''Yes dear! Please think about your life and ours''

I couldn't lie and say I wanted him to work on this case, I knew how much kira ruined him- no how much I ruined him.

''Dad'' I say, ''I don't want you working on this case. If I lost you...'' 'again' I thought to myself. My voice broke in an uncharacteristic manner ''I don't know what I'm capable of becoming or doing to myself.''

I was lying. I knew what I'd become. A pathetic thing dying on a staircase. I lost myself when L and dad died - I was now finding myself again with him and Nate. The real me. I still fully believe that Kira needed to exist for now. Because without it there was no way of finding myself ever again.

''Light...'' he said, I saw his sadness in his eyes. ''I'm sorry but I must - someone must stand up for justice''

''If you ever get hurt I will personally hunt down Kira and punish him. I promise you'' I say with fake determination.

The rest of the dinner went quietly. I then went up to my room, changed into my pajamas and colapsed on the bed. Today has been exhausting and my lack of sleep had only made me more emotionally vunerable. I thought back on the dinner and how weak I acted. It left a horrible feeling in my stomach and I felt strong shame and regret.

I was too tired to ponder on it anymore and I fell asleep.

The cameras and bugs where now removed. I had now picked up the killing, and it felt diffrent. I didn't have the same thrill I had in my previous life. It now felt more like a chore, perhaps because I knew how everything would turn out.

I could feel myself aching to hear that laugh again. To throw apples at. I sighed, I had nothing now. I had broken up with Mikami, claiming that the age diffrence was too much and I had to focus on school. We still remained ''friends''. It was kinda a shame but he was getting boring anyways. And really if L could connect me to him already now the plan would be ruined.

I found myself thinking back about then and now. Things have changed but actually nothing at all. I felt like I was seventeen again. Just not so naive and way more broken. One part of me wanted to stay broken forever and let everyone I care about live happily and not in pain as before, but the other selfish part of me wanted to be fixed and fill this insane dark need inside of me.

Someday I hope that I won't have to chose, someday I hope I just can be the way I am, not that way I have to be. I need to let myself free. I sigh, guess I just have to stay in my cage for now.

I needed to prepare myself because tonight the big move happened.

L sat in his usual position, he had no clue what so ever who was kira. And the only one who stood out was Light Yagami, but he didn't do anything that could connect him to the murders. But L couldn't shake the feeling of something being wrong with the boy – but that could easily be explained by that the boy was suicidal and from what L had seen he suspected the boy could possibly suffer from something more than just depression but then again he was no expert.

Misora was helping Mello and matt looking for clues in the strange LABB clues murders. Kira knew about Beyond. L didn't know how but Kira was obviously teasing him 'Come on L, I know you're watching me. Come and get me'. It pissed L off, even how childish that may seem.

Mello, Matt and Misora had been working like bees, and still did. They managed to get a lot of information but nothing that could really help them that much. And somethings still remained a mystery, L still couldn't get any explenation to the messages Kira left.

'L did you know gods of death are watching over you?', this could mean many things. Perhaps kira deluded himself to thinking he was a god. But he did say gods not god. Which makes that theory flawed.

''Um, L I think someone is hacking our computers or something'' Matsuda said, in a voice filled with panic,

L sighed. ''Why would you think that?''

''The screens are all black'' Matsuda replied.

That grabbed the detectives attention. The whole task force was checking their computers and yes they were indeed black and frozen. Even L's. He didn't really notice it happen so it probably did while he was observing Matsuda.

''What the hell?'' Mello said,

''Matsuda what did you do?'' cheif Yagami asked annoyed,

Matsuda put his hands up in defense ''I did nothing I swear!''

''Mr. Yagami as much as we all know of Matsuda's great ability to ruin just about everything,'' L said, ''I don't think he's involved in this.''

The computer screens flashed white and a gothic letter N appeared on the screen. ''That would be correct.''

Mello's eyes flared up, he'd heard that voice before ''Near...What the hell are you doing?!''

''Ah hello Mello, L I have some things to discuss with you - no rather an agreement. I want you to hand me all the data of the kira investigation.'' Near told them in a casual voice, like he didn't just ask the most powerful man in the world to give in to him.

''And why would I do that'' L said, The brat sure had some nerve.

Mello on the other hand looked furious ''What the hell Near, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT THE INFORMATION, YOU DECLINED TO BE THE NEXT L REMEMBER?''

The rest of the taskforce looked at the exchange in confusion.

''I'm glad you asked, the information is what I will use to catch kira with. And yes while I did decline wanting to be L, I'd actually rather be a stand alone than a copy, copying L's style would be dreadfully boring. Though there's no doubt in my mind that Mello will make a great job at it'' Near taunted.

''I'm sorry Near but that is not possible.'' L replied. ''And if you don't mind we'd like to go on working on the Kira case thanks.''

''Ah that's too bad. I really didn't want to resort to blackmailing, what a shame'' Near said, with his voice making it obvious that he was lying and did enjoy this a lot. ''If you don't give me the information I will have no choice but to broadcast your and Mello's name and picture.''

''That's impossible because you don't have those.'' L said confidently. Why was this brat wasting his time again?

''Are you so sure, L Law- oh I suppose it would be rude for me to finish that now wouldn't it? It would be so unfortunate if kira was in the room with you wouldn't it'' Near said smugly.

L sat there in shock, how did the boy even manage to get a hold of his name? It should be impossible. ''How?''

Near didn't answer.

''People like you, L, I have discovered think you can go around in life getting what you want with your power. The thing that seperate us is out knowledge. I know more than you know and with my resorces, I can destroy you. I may not have the FBI or CIA or any other world leading power on my side but I do have one thing and that's Kira. Both you and I know that the best thing for you is do as I say, now isn't it?'' Near said, he didn't sound like he used any effort, which he wasn't he was simply stating facts.

It aggrivated L who bit his lip in fustration, ''Okay.''

Mello looked horrified. His idol had just been out played by his rival.

''Great. I will have someone come to the hotel and we'll do an exchange. Don't worry I already know where you are. And don't think I'm not open for cooperating in the future, right now I'm just doing what serves me best at the moment.''

''I understand''


End file.
